I figured I would get online and e-mail all my friends that are Obama supporters. I was ecstatic! The first black president was elected in my 25th year. WOW!!! I mean you just don't understand what this means to so many black people. I followed the link to her chat room so I could surprise her and my ears were assaulted by some man talking about "shady no good Ni**ers." I was shocked. I tried to ask him why he felt that way, there had to be a reason and I wanted to know why. He told me that "If I took a bath I could suck him off."
Wow, so happy that Obama won, and now it just is beginning to sink in that things....may never change in that respect. It saddens me. I guess I should be used to that because I?ve lived in rural Georgia for 10 years. For some reason, whenever those words are spoken, they sting just as much. But then again, I guess that?s the intention.
Why is it that whenever food is catered at work, everyone watches everything I put on my plate?!
Or what if you aren't hungry, but someone walks up to you and says " I know you MUST be hungry, go ahead and fix yourself a plate!"
What about when you just want a tiny taste of the cake and you carve off a sliver then people are is shock, mean while the resident tooth pick just hacked off a third of the cake plus three slices to take home to their kids and no one notices.
Oh, and last but certainly not least....
You are sitting there having a great conversation with someone and one of your friends or a person you know walks up and wants to join. There are no chairs around for them to sit so they walk up to you and lean all of their freaking weight onto your shoulder!
WTF!! It's almost as if they view you as the jolly green giant and their weight is equivalent to that of an ant resting on a hair from your middle knuckle. Mean while, you are sitting there staring a hole into them because it feels like the worlds biggest butter knife is digging into the bone of your shoulder. THEN, they have the nerve to feel insulted when you remind them that you might weigh more than them, but they're still freaking heavy simply by moving your arm then rubbing and shaking it a bit.
I have the most awesome self torturing tactic, and it works rather well might I add. I listen to the most romantic songs that I have while I'm dozing off @ night. Well, this past weekend, I had a lazy Saturday and watched "Fear" from the On Demand menu and there is this song from the sound track called "Wild Horses."
I remembered that The Rolling Stones created the original and I searched for it in I-tunes. I make it a habit not to listen to love songs during work because it's distracting and totally puts me in a different mood.
I came home and had a quick dinner tonight then I made a few pieces of jewelry to fill my orders. I took a bath and hopped in bed, immediately turning my Ipod to that song. It's pitch black and I am laying in bed, it's raining, there is a cool snap in the air and a stillness that I'm aware of but not quite able to articulate.
I'm just listening and waves of intense emotions just flood me and I began sobbing. I know this is ultra personal, but I see it this way. If you are ever hoping to be in love, that person has to get to know you, so why not start here.
Call me crazy, but I don't think I am the only person that does this kind of thing. It's funny, it feels kinda good getting this out in writing.
"Wild horses couldn't drag me away!" Wow, that voice is so haunting....kinda like recalling the exquisite memories of the most concentrated love making session ever - from the previous night- during your average week day activities. Well, at least that's what I think it sounds like. Maybe I am too intense. I know I am a virgin, but I'm extremely perceptive/ imaginative/horny....unfortunately! LOL
Well, I guess that's enough of my babbling tonight.
Society dictates the minds and hearts of all, condemning all differences priming their fall. My size is a difference plain for all to see. So fuc society and you for hating fat me.
Such a strong word from such a soft heart most would claim. We both know who you are and who is to blame. ?Back away from the plate!? a ground breaking solution. Blood boiling from the thoughts of such verbal pollution.
Society dictates the minds and hearts of all, condemning all differences priming their fall. My size is a difference plain for all to see. So fuc society and you for hating fat me.
Children sit and cry alone when their feelings are hurt. Wouldn't you after being told you?re too fat to have desert. Negativity from all directions making you an introvert. ?Hey fatty!? each day some little bastard in class will blurt.
Society dictates the minds and hearts of all, condemning all differences priming their fall. My size is a difference plain for all to see. So fuc society and you for hating fat me.
But then again ?
A golden wild flower spirit dwells deep within- along with a crushingly prevalent need to pretend. That every things peachy, full of humor and never preachy. I danced for society, and then danced for my sanity. I danced for you and the glory of your vanity. But the show stops now, never again to resume. Your presence imposing ? like the cheapest perfume.
Society dictates the minds and hearts of all, condemning all differences priming their fall. My size is a difference plain for all to see. So fuc society and you for hating fat me.
Can anyone please tell me how so many people are looking for love but when you approach them, it's as if no such word has ever even been spoken in their presence. I'm completely lost on that!
Also, how can you take someone serious if their approach is ridiculous! "Ay shouty, lemme holla atcha!" Yes, I'm sure these comments may be stepping on a few toes but I don't give a fiddler's fart!
Can Someone please tell me why there would be thin people on here looking for petite, small, average or athletic matches!!! I'm completely confused about that one!
Just incase any of you are curious, no need to talk to me about working out! LOL
I just love sharing little life tidbits. It always makes me smile when I log on and see something that I typed in the heat of the moment knowing that I'm being completely honest with myself and others about who I am. I love that I have nothing to hide from anyone, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me initially.
I met this gentleman named John from New York. That's all I can say with out getting into trouble. He seemed odd to me at first, but he genuinely is into large women. He helped me appreciate even further how attractive I am. I don't consider myself to be flawless or perfect, heck....its taken me years to even begin to accept who I am completely, not that I'm all that old.
He had the most interesting terms for certain things, and even now as I type I'm a little embarrassed to share one of them specifically. He referred to a big hanging tummy as an apron. I had never heard of that before and it further gives me an idea of how seriously into large women many others must be. I think that's fantastic! Although I don't think we could make a good couple because he is much older than I, it's nice to see someone appreciate all that a big beautiful woman has to offer!
I often pretend that it makes me no difference, but that?s just another game that I play with myself, and I'm-in a sense trying to ?out? it I suppose. My grandmother Annie Mae Presley passed away March 7, right in front of my mother and sister's eyes. She had lung cancer and had been smoking ever since she was about 12.
We found out that she had it 2 years prior to her passing. She came down with what we all thought was pneumonia, but it was just the cancer lowering her immune system and starting to show its effects on the body. Everyone in the family knew that she was sick, and nearly everyone responded. Of course not in the way that we would have liked, but they did respond.
Well, the last three weeks of her life, my father that I haven't seen for 14 years showed up at the hospice. My mother, who?s very uncomfortable with him being there with her and gram alone, noticed that he would say a few words, and then wait for everyone else to come.
He had never really made an effort to see anyone but my eldest sister and when she saw him, he was full of games. Well, I?m not taking her side on that because i wasn't there. Any way, I was told that he doesn't like large or big people. They repulse him. I spoke to him the day before I saw him after 14 years.
Among the many things we talked about was how I?m a health girl. His reply was, "yeah, you know our family has some heavy people in it." Then he went on to mention that he has picked up weight. I was kind of happy because I thought my father wouldn't try to judge me because of my size. I was wrong, but I didn't know that yet.
The day that he came to the he came to the hospice, I had greeted gram and made her as comfy as I could. We were able to get her to eat two chicken wings and a piece of pastry, that was pretty great because she wouldn't eat anything. Any way, I was nervous and scared because of all the things I had heard about him, not just from my siblings and mom but from uncles, aunts, friends of the family....everyone really.
Well, he called first, and 10 minutes later he knocked on the door and came in. My cousin and his wife along with their kids had arrived a little while before he did. You should have seen the look on his face. A part of me died when I looked into his eyes. He tried to cover it up by giving me a delayed big hug and talking loud.
While we were sitting there, he asked me questions like, what kind of car do you drive, what kind of job do you have, do you make good money?
What the $%^&! He just got here and he is asking questions like that!!! That?s crazy!
Well, over the next 3 weeks he would show up when he thought we were there. I didn't like the fact that he wasn't there for gram. After all, she had been there for us ever since I can remember, and where has he been!
Well, she passed away and at then end of her funeral, when we were walking out to go bury her, he steps out and starts to rub my shoulders. I just wanted to punch him. After we buried her, we needed help removing her things from her apartment. He was nowhere to be found, but he wanted to go to lunch with me or dinner. Not to mention, he wants to fund my way through college. LOL
I know that you only get one father, and I know I would be hurt if he passed away or something and we never had a true heart to heart, but I can't bring myself to call him. Every time I pick up the phone, I freeze. I don't know what to do.
I?m starting to believe that he isn?t really worth getting to know. I just had to get this off my chest.
No it isn't true, I don't need you. Don't need a frumpy dump of a man telling me what to do. You can come in, and we can be friends. And just for one sweet moment, your body you'll lend.
Love is yesterdays news is you snooze it. Love is something you lose if you bruise it.
SO if I give mine, its a pleasure Divine. The most special sweet delicacy treat that any will find.
You need to work hard, and be on your guard. If you can't produce magic, then you I'll discard. Don't like my plan, well I understand. Just know I can find another much better man.
Love is yesterdays news if you snooze it. Love is something you lose if you bruise it.
So if I give mine, its a pleasure Divine. The most special sweet delicacy treat that any will find.
You can act cool and try to be cruel. Ive been there before, I wrote the rule. So you should back down and stop being a clown. If you cross me once sweet darling, you're gonna go down!
Its like I said...
Love is yesterdays news if you snooze it. Love is something you'll lose if you bruise it. SO if I give mine, its a pleasure Divine. The most special sweet delicacy treat that any will find.
I'm sorry I lied, or at least I tried. I was stuck on this certain fellow, could have been his bride.
I never could be that cold, I'm meek just trying to act bold. And now here I am, "Silly girl, you're a sham!" The right man would complete my life and I know its true. We cuddle and chat like lovers do. I could totally fall and change my point of view.
Maybe they aren't so bad after all. The deeper you love...the harder the fall.
I hope the little visual aid I created is clear enough. I have an idea of what a curvy plus sized woman looks like, and even a large tall woman with a pear shape, but I wonder where I stand in the middle. Well, I know that I am definitely large- and quite attractive might I add, but I also know that I'm short. I don't have ultra wide hips, and I'm not busty. I do, however, have a very very round bottom. I don't think my body type has ever been described. I guess I'm the the "big booty girl". Does anyone have any input on this? I know that I'm me and all that, but do I just describe myself as a BBW with a big booty and a great personality or ......? What do you think?
Once again I've been moved to share an intimate tidbit about my life and who I am. I'm sure most of the people on this site have had or have many relationships of which they either have lived with or spent countless nights with their previous, or newly acquired lovers. This is something I've never done.
I can list all the sensual activities that I've participated in through out my young adulthood, and maybe even earlier, however; vaginal penetration is not one of my accomplishments. LOL Only ex-boyfriends, know this bit of information about me. I've never held that from anyone intentionally, its just that you first take the time to get to know someone and then BAM!!! there it is clear as day. "Oh, so that's why she never wanted to stay over too late." Oh, so that's why she ignored that last comment I made about peaches." LOL YEAH, that is. Don't get me wrong, I want sex...........OH AND HOW!!!!!!!!!! But I will not have sex with someone unless I believe that we're in it for the long haul. I'm a sweet, loyal, GOD fearing young woman. I think that your purity is the best thing you can give, preceded only by your heart, to your intended. I swear, this blog is turning into a regular "Dear Diary". I just want a genuine connection with someone that I can grow with and love the way a woman should love her man. There have been many situations of which I knew I was going to come out on the other end as "woman" so to speak. We get to a point where intimacy seems inevitable and his advances are seemingly more and more inviting until he says something crazy and all at once this becomes the defining moment of our relationship. All the negatives seem to outline themselves in heavy bold print....almost like that of a comic book in my mind. At this point I know that allowing this person to touch me in the many ways that I so deeply want to be touched, is only going to kill my self esteem, break my heart, and make me cry. If I'm thought to be a prude because of this, then so be it.
I'm looking for love, and whether this bothers you or not....
Never mind that I needed you to back me Or that the love you supplied was my fix. Never mind that I flinched when I heard your voice But like water and oil, we don?t mix.
Never mind that I waited with baited breath To receive some confirmation Never mind my heart fractured into dust Heart break is this classification
Never mind that I?m perpetually stuck Or that I just can?t seem to move on. Never mind that I am engulfed with resentment Yet some how, over you?. my mind is gone.
Never mind that I?m bitter and untrusting believing Men is such a hard task Never mind that I?m closed for business Endless sums of proof are what I ask
Never mind that the effects are far reaching Or that my soul bares a scar that harms many. Never mind the false friendship you extended Your entirety?s worth less than a penny
Never mind how you alleged wisdom your age could impart Foolishly trusting false good intentions. Never mind cursing the death of my own common sense My grace forgets you, my muted mouth makes muted mentions.
Lavender oils and a warm mist As hot droplets bombard my senses I question whether or not I exist. One trickles lethargically down the small of my back, burning sensations into my skin that I?ve never felt. The feeling resembles the warmth of a mans strong and secure hands, And the pressure demands that I, being the sensitive creature that I am melt. Inside me a fiery hand envelopes my soul causing mind numbing pleasurable throbbing deep within. My fingers instinctively travel to the center of my world and with caressing of extreme gingerness, my strokes began. Eye brows arched, Bitten lips Tear glossed eyes And grinding hips A sporadic pulse that initiates an approaching orgasm Penetrating spasms, whimpers, moans and grunts become consistent as a piercingly exquisite climax engulfs my person and undulates. My frictions precision More bombastic than nuclear fission And then, I collapse, causing my nerve endings to tangle in intricate knots Innate, a furnace burns in all spots.
Laughter escapes my mouth as I revel in the satisfaction I?ve sought.
I just have to say that I truly appreciate all of the positive feedback that I've received! It's wonderful to know that there are people out there that understand where you're coming from. I got off of work today thinking that maybe it was a mistake to post that. From now on, I'm not going to second guess what I put here simply because I know it can help someone, and if I can do that, its completely worth it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and tell the most humiliating story of my life. It was my entire fault and sometimes I ache because I'm too ashamed to tell anyone about it. At this very moment, I feel as if I want to shut off my computer and go to bed but it?s only because I have mixed feelings about the reactions that I will receive.
I'm going to start off by saying that I understand why this website requires you to verify your picture. I was one of those people that are afraid to show their real appearance and in the process of not accepting who I am; I hurt someone I came to love.
I can remember the first computer that I ever used frequently. When I was in high school, my mother purchased a Compaq Presario and I thought I had died and went to heaven. My new social life was centered on the user chat rooms. I got to know a lot of people, some of which I still chat with today.
Most, I never told that I was plus sized, ever. I would create all these different profiles with the face and body of other women. I absolutely hated the way I looked. I didn't even like to look in the mirror because I felt like it was too painful. I never really had a boyfriend in high school because all the guys that seemed to like me wouldn't be caught dead with a fat girl. My self esteem was nonexistent. One Sunday night, August 4th of 2002, I decided to go chatting.
My agenda was to attract a man with my fake photo, have a great conversation and drain him of all the great compliments that I knew he would shower me with- even though, I knew deep down that it wasn't meant for me, but that tasty dish he was looking at in the all the pics. I met this guy that went by the ID treetop. Of course I'm not telling you the whole ID; I'm not crazy you know! Anyway I remember him messaging me to say hello. I decided that I was gonna go in for the kill when he sent those first three messages because he seemed to be a bit distracted. I asked him if he would like to voice chat, and I knew that he would like the sound of my voice. So, we began to chat and he was very quiet. I felt like I was loosing him fast and so I offered to do the last thing that I could, and that was call him.
He said he wanted to get a drink of cognac before, I waited 15 minutes and then I called. It seemed as if just the sound of each others voices inspired a chatathon that lasted almost 7 hours. We were giggling and making jokes, and saying things that people who could have just had sex would never say to each other. I can remember him telling me that he had to go out of town and he couldn't call for two days and at that time, those two days seemed to be the longest days that I had ever encountered.
I named him sweet pea and he named me butterbean. At first I didn't even remember the fact that I lied to him about a big part of who I am. It's like that was buried deep in my mind- covered by euphoria until one night he asked excitedly..."When are we gonna meet?" It came crashing in on me all at once. I never wanted to send him pics. I never wanted to buy a webcam. I never wanted to send him pictures in the mail. There was always an excuse. I stopped using messenger to make him think that my comp was broken. He was a CPA, so he gave my mother tax advice over the phone, and he discussed fishing with my stepfather. Everyone that ever spoke to him seemed to like him immediately. I felt doomed.
My strategy was to survey his thoughts on plus sized women and as I expected, he was repulsed by them. Part of me got mad like...?who are you to judge!" Isn't that crazy! Well anyway, one night, I told him after I had to prepare myself for a week because we called each other for a long time. We had even spoken of getting married. I told him and he was crushed. I'll never forget the sound of his voice and the terrible pain I felt in my chest for that intensely humbling hour and a half conversation.
I can't tell you that I wish I never would have met him because he played a major part in me finding out who I am. I know I could be considered the most horrible, and manipulative individual for sharing but I don't care. I want all to know me, the real me. I hurt someone because I wanted his love, but I didn't want it lavished on the real me, I wanted it for the woman that I'm not and I'm better than seconds, thirds or make-believe. I have never told anyone this. None of my family, friends, or his family knows the true story. Just you, me, and him know about my blunder.
I guess this is kind of like therapy in a way. The fact that I can talk about it really means that I've moved past it. And for all you men out there that might find me appealing, you can expect the same kind of blunt honesty that I have in this blog, to be in our interactions because lets face it, where can I hide now? Not here. So, this is a piece of me for the men out there that might find my honesty and sincerity compelling. You never know how life is going to teach you lessons that need to be learned, but once you've learned them, you can't imagine what your life would have been like with out them.
Well, with all that being said, I ACCEPT MY FAT PROUDLY!!! I deserve happiness....no, joy- because happiness is temporary and joy is long lasting. I hope none of you have to go thought what I did to find out how lovely and precious all BBWs are, but then again, if it could change your life like it has mine, its worth the journey.
